"It PROBABLY was not your fault"- incorrect ma'am
“It probably was not your fault.”
I knew something was wrong on Friday night. We went out to eat at our favorite Mexican restaurant and I was hungry. I had spent the last 6+ weeks puking every single night. Which was normal for me when I was pregnant. So when I was hungry, a little flash in my mind thought, 'hmm, that's weird. It's probably nothing. Maybe I will get a night of not feeling bad. but is it something? is something wrong? Probably not, Katy. You're overthinking it. just enjoy a night with some cheese dip."
I started spotting that Saturday morning. I immediately started crying because I knew. Spotting can be normal in pregnancy. However, in my gut and the reminder of being hungry the night prior, I just knew.
“It probably was not your fault.”
This is what the provider in the ED told me after waiting hours for my lab work to return and for them to evaluate my ultrasound. I knew after not seeing any movement or hearing a heartbeat on my ultrasound that I must have miscarried, but I remained optimistic that maybe the sound was off. I am not an ultrasound tech- so I could be wrong.
I was too afraid to ask any questions because frankly, I did not want to accept the answer.
It was so hard for us to conceive. Exhausting. While I mourned the loss of this baby I would never know, I was also so angry that I had put so much work into getting to this point, and now we would have to start all over again with the tests, waiting, appointments, temperatures, calendars, and supplements, etc. IYKYK. Then I was upset with myself because the loss of a baby was shadowed by my own frustration of having to start trying to conceive all over again.
As a nurse practitioner, I am SURE I have said things that were not as comforting as I wanted them to come across. It is easy to be flustered and say too much or say the wrong thing in a heavy time. But those words still sting every time I think back to that day. I can still picture what I was wearing, sitting on the stretcher.
While medically, I KNOW that the chances for miscarriage are high. I UNDERSTAND why it happens. I KNOW that a miscarriage at 11 weeks was likely related to a genetic problem that would make the baby incompatible with life. The thought, it ‘probably’ was not my fault continued to whisper to me in the quiet.
I was sent home on a Saturday afternoon with no direction on what to do or what to anticipate the following days. I didn't want to bother my OB/GYN, but I wish I had. Instead, I called on friends who had experienced similar situations and it was a comfort to have their direction as I sat in this new loneliness and felt my body had failed. Despite taking multiple classes on women's health, being in delivery rooms for multiple births, seeing countless ultrasounds, and counting fetal heartbeats, I didn't have any idea what to expect in the days after learning I had miscarried. It does not all happen at once.
When I am the patient, all of my knowledge and training seem to fly out the window. I feel like I have the education & understanding of a 6th grader.
I went to work that Monday. I did not want to mope. I also did not want to use my precious PTO on something that was so sad. So I showed up. I saw patients in the morning so I would not have to reschedule & inconvenience too many of my patients. I took care of others & neglected to care for myself. Fortunately, I left at lunch as my body was beginning to physically cleanse from the last 11 weeks of growing a child. I cried. Watched TV on the couch. Changed clothes over & over again. Worried. Snuggled my, then, almost 2-year-old. Drank a couple of my favorite beers, Bearded Iris Homestyle. Wondered, is there anything I did that brought this on? Racked my brain. Then went to bed & returned to work the next day.
I finally saw my OB/GYN on Wednesday afternoon. She was heartbroken about my experience. She spent time with me and counseled me on what to do next. She said my body would get pregnant again when it was ready. She did labs to make sure I did not have an underlying issue that caused a miscarriage. They did an ultrasound in the office. I did not need a D&C because my body did it on its own. I was glad I did not have to get a procedure. I wanted to resume normal life as much as I could. I also wanted to get a counselor. But everyone was booked out for months. So I refocused my research on what I do to never have to go through this again.
I know I am not the only one who has felt this. But it is important to know that it is not your fault. We cannot understand why things happen. Miscarriage is common. very common. and it sucks. We all get through this on our own time in our own way. My advice is not to worry if you feel the way you 'think you're supposed to feel.' If it is family, friends, religion, yoga, work, sleep, bingeing TV, do what feels good. Listen to your body. Ask for help. And know that miscarriage is never your fault.
And for a little moody Myspace vibe, if you haven't listened to Bigger Than The Whole Sky by T Swift, give it a listen ONLY if you're in the mood to cry it out. Sometimes we need that and sometimes we don't- so I give full warning.
